After all…

I hope he gets his Dad's composure.

Oh, dear Heavenly Father, help me.

There is no emotion greater than the one I experience as I watch my son and my “adopted” sons play baseball. When they are down in the count, and I am SCREAMING all the encouragement and confidence I can muster into their precious little brains. And I think, if I holler loudly enough the right combination of words, maybe I can break the back of self defeat before it slithers down from their heads to their hearts. Oh how my mama heart aches.

Because I want better for them. I want easier. I don’t want them to suffer the things I suffer in this overly active and self critical brain. I don’t want them to internalize the voice of self abasement I hear constantly ridiculing me…at this particular moment, for not being able to control my tongue, let alone my emotions. (You guys…I am supposed to be a counselor. I hope to GOD I never see a client on the ball fields. 🤞🏻😭). And God help the person who tips this already toppling iceberg of shame within my brain. Sometimes my fragility disguises itself behind fighting words. Forgive me. I am human. And my supervisor says I don’t have to be a perfect one, even though I am a counselor.

I think I need some "long walks by the river" self-care.  Oh...and someone else to take my son to these games!!

Today, I am weary of the battle. I am exhausted of the constant fight. I have really big emotions, and I just want even a moment of the peaceful mind, so I could just lie down and sleep. 

The thing is…I don’t think I’m alone. I hear it in the words of people I meet, and I see it in their hidden cues. (I am highly, HIGHLY sensitive, my friends.). The world is hard, and many of us tend to make it harder on ourselves. We certainly don’t need help from the creeps and a-holes surrounding us.  (People can be so mean.  All of us.)

At least (when he's done being an a-hole himself) this guy is always there to cheer me up.

I will try and choose to be grateful for the moments when some suffering heart reaches mine, and we connect, and I know: I am here. And you are here. And we are, none of us, perfect OR alone.

But I fear I will continue, with much envy, to regret that I don’t have the even-keeled, peaceful mind that some of you (my husband first and foremost) possess. (But...I will rely on you for support and grounding!). Oh, what I wouldn’t give for one traded day in that brain!!!

So not intended, but 💕

But, then…we must ALWAYS keep in mind…the greener grass on the other side is probably a fascade.    There are weeds there, too, even if we can’t see them.  

Goodnight. With I heavy heart (made even more so by having pined away a most beautiful day), I pray for the solace of slumber. May tomorrow bring sunshine outside AND within.

After all, tomorrow is another day…

I can't believe I found this little precious so early.  Must have blown in with those southern winds??? 💕

...just wish I could press delete on all the crummy ones.

Freshly humbled.