I am officially in over my head! It seems to be the only way I function.
|The bond between them grows tighter every day...and the big sis "owner" talks, continually, of moving out. Just one of the traumas and future uncertainties we face over here...|
I have so many mixed emotions about all the change! On the one hand, I am really looking forward to focusing on what I truly love to do. On the other, there are so many closures and endings that burn. There are things I will miss, and there are things that I won't. There are things about my new job that will be so much simpler, and there are things that will be so much harder.
All the conflicting scenarios and emotions! Sometimes it feels like it's all just a craps shoot.
Today, I woke up for the first time, ever, knowing I would never be in another school with MU again. On Friday, it was a celebration. Today, when faced with that reality, I quickly panicked, "What have I done?!! I am so bored and lonely!" 😂
|It makes me feel better to know that Jesse has a "Christmas Sweater." (Brought to you by Xander.). It does NOT make me feel better that he ran off, when I dropped the leash, and caused a big scene with my neighbor and his dogs. Ugh.|
Oh, these fickle emotions! It's a good thing I have learned to wrangle them in and filter and sort them out. And now I get to teach others these things I have worked so hard to learn and accomplish myself. It is a blessing, and I will choose to stand on THAT belief. (The timing has been too divine to question. Of course, that doesn't tend to stop me! 😂)
Stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy. We just have to learn to tune out to all the worries and doubts. (Easier said than done!) Leaving a comfortable, reliable job to open a practice that may or may not succeed is scary...that doesn't mean it isn't right. In some ways, I have full confidence. In others, I am full of doubt.
One thing is for sure. I have a LOT to do in a LITTLE bit of time. As is usual with me, it's a quick turnaround with no down time. In the span of a few weeks, (which also happens to fall in the midst of Christmas break) I have to wrap up 6 years of work with a pretty little bow that I feel comfortable handing off. (I tend to have high standards. Probably, most people wouldn't care at this point. I can't ever seem to quit caring. 💁). I could offer up a tedious list of what all "wrapping up" entails for me, but...why bore you? It's a lot.
|Life is rarely as perfect as it seems on camera. Allow me to present to you all of the reality I can offer...in the hopes that it gives someone out there a tiny bit of hope and peace.|
Oh, and also...I need to learn a completely new documentation system. I have to get a new business organized and lined up. I need to set up and decorate an office (not exactly my forte). And I need clients.
Do I sound trivial and whiney? I tend to get "caught in the weeds," as my boss used to say. But now, I only serve 2 bosses...God and Matt. It's a decent combination, if you ask me.
While I look forward to a slower pace, I doubt that I will ever allow myself a truly slower pace. But, at least, it will be ME who is the owner of my time. I will have so much more control over how I spend it...which means God (and Matt) will have more control over how I spend it. And that feels safe and freeing and hopeful. If I'm going to over-achieve, I might as well over-achieve to please myself and God (and, naturally, Matt...who would tell me to just take the day off).
Oh well...as with so many other posts, I feel like I am just rambling at this juncture, and "what is the point?!!" Truly, I don't know. ...a reflection?...a (very public) diary? (I do believe in journaling!)...a digital scrapbook (because I am a failure with the "hands on" version). I don't know. I don't even know the certainty of the future of the blog. Will I have time? Will it still be relevant? Who knows. The future is wide open for the time. Again...scary doesn't mean it isn't right.
|This time, ALL my people were there. So...why does it feel like someone is missing????|
In the meantime, I appreciated a weekend off together. We had a little family Christmas celebration, during which I got to see some of my favorite distant family members. I wasn't tired or cranky, so that was a plus!
We spent a slow Sunday prepping for the week, and I wasn't alone or intensely burdened by an insanely impossible schedule to face in the week ahead. There is a lot, but it is do-able. It is stressful, but it is not a chaotic mad-dash. I will, most likely, not wake up from a daze in the early stages of my drive and wonder..."Oh, shoot! Where am I supposed to be going?!!" For now, that feels good.
And with all the feel-goods, we managed the time for a little Christmas tradition of our own. Drive-thru Christmas Show and a twist on our Ginger-bread houses...Oreo Houses for the win, if you ask me!
|Just the boys and us and Jesse this year. It was just as fun!|
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, my friends!
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. -Jesus. (John 14:27)
Happy Christmas Advent! Amen and goodnight.