My boy turned 12 this week. Can you believe it?! I can, because...I...have a lot of kids. My friend said to me last week, "I just don't know how people with multiple kids do it." I forgot to mention to her that she happened to have one very easy-going kid, so that makes a WHOLE lot of difference. My first kid came out with eyes wide open (and actively searching the room) for two whole hours. (I should have known then.). We were NOT going to get away with having just one kid...unless we devoted our entire lives to her entertainment. I'm not (completely) cut out for that. Besides, even after our second was born, I just knew in my heart I was not done.
At a recent conference, the leader asked us, "What did you ALWAYS want to be...ever since you were a kid?" Fortunately, I have had enough awkward experiences over the years to realize that my answers are most often atypical and, generally speaking, unwanted. Too many times, I have seen "that look" when I opened my mouth and shared something that was unexpected or out of the ordinary. I channeled those horrible moments as I took a minute to decide to keep my mouth shut. Nope...she wants us to shout out careers. I bit my tongue and held in my real heart's answer..."A MOM!"
Maybe it was growing up around about a million relatives who always seemed to have a baby somewhere around the corner. I fell in love with babies...how they love you so much and they think you are the best thing ever. How they don't judge or make you feel like you are annoying, unlovable or a total idiot (Who doesn't love that feeling?!!). I don't remember ever dreaming about or planning my future wedding, because I was too busy planning out my future being a mommy.
I even had names picked out. Good ones, like...Buttercup. (And she thought "Xander" was bad. Ha ha ha ha ha!)
Thank God I didn't actually become a mommy until 24, because even then it was a little early for a slow-to-mature type like me. And I had no idea how hard it was going to be getting these children. I don't know if it was the "true knowledge" within me that I was "supposed" to keep trying for all four of these little blessings...or if I'm just so competitive I refused to give up and ultimately lose the battle against miscarriage. We all know I'm competitive, and I have no problem admitting a slightly (or very intense) power control disposition. (I can almost hear myself shouting, "I say when I am done!!!)
Regardless, things worked out for yours truly. I got the most perfect and complete set. Two girls, two boys. Equally spaced by 4 years. One of each disposition...both of the first, naturally, mine.
So, don't blink an eye when you hear me complaining. (It's too much. It's too much. ...wah wah wah.). Truth be told, I asked for this because I wanted it. I happen to like having a full house. I don't tend to trust easily, so I had to fill my inner circle really full, and suddenly, I am surrounded by people I call mine. Not a bad spot, if you ask me. I am surrounded by people I can trust...or else. 😂😂😂
And who knows how things will turn. I have a 19 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. In 5 years, she will be 24 (see above), and he will only be 12. I do not envision we will have much of an empty house around here until...ever.
You know what? That is the best thing for me EVER.
I have to admit, I have been struggling lately. Everything was starting to feel like drudgery, and it seemed like someone had sucked out all of the joy. (I'm picturing my teenage years of sucking the helium out of balloons...fun, right? But look at what is left? A sorry, lifeless carcass of what once was.) You get the picture?
I may tend toward the dramatic, but I can't help the theatrical show, "You've ROBBED me of ALL my joy!"
The thing is...I couldn't figure out who had robbed me and why.
Well, I figured it out, and guess who...
Me. I robbed me. I've been all crankified, worrying about this and that...and how am I gonna?...and I don't wanna!...and what am I gonna do?!! Woe. is. me.
And the truth is...it's summer. Today's burdens will fade. Tomorrow can worry about itself. If I don't take the time to enjoy the sabbath, then the shame will definitely be on me.
I ALWAYS make this mistake! I spend too much time regretting yesterday or worrying about tomorrow, and I can't just let myself enjoy today.
So, I stopped, collaborated and listened. Wise advice, if you ask me. I started making a deliberate attempt to SLOW DOWN. I have started concentrating on what is important in the moment, and I'm choosing to not worry about the rest.
I'm not perfect. I'm not getting it perfect, but I will say there is a level of peace that has followed, and I have MISSED that level of peace.
So, for now...all is well. And I'm not going to worry about anything beyond that. Not even tomorrow.
Goodnight, my beloved friends. I cherish the few I know who take the time to briefly enter into the world I call mine. With much love and prayers for peace. I hope you have a wonderful right now.
Your homie, Kristen Shanna
|This year's favorite "volunteer" plant. Anyone venture to guess what it might be? I had my suspicions, but I'm thinking Matt has proved me wrong with his guess.|