It was a stressful week for yours truly. Several work meetings, lots of baseball, and every day just kind of merged into the next one. I think it all started last weekend when our "time off" was driving and a baseball tournament.
It's funny how uniquely this brain is configured. As we were driving, I turned to Matt and said, "Sometimes, I get really overwhelmed driving as we pass all of these cars."
He immediately concurred and started in on the ins and outs of driving around a bunch of people you don't know and cannot trust. But that is not at all what I was thinking, and I had to explain.
"No...its like...every car we pass, I look into each and every little life. I read the joys, the stresses, the ups and downs, and somehow I feel responsible for it all. Like...I have so much compassion and empathy and I FEEL for them, but I can't help them. And I am overwhelmed.
"I feel the weight of the world resting on my shoulders, and I can't do it. I am not God."
And Matt says, confidently, "You got this!"
And I laugh. His delightful, well-played sarcasm always snaps me back to reality.
But seriously. You know how people ponder the heavens? They look into the sky, at the stars, and ponder the universe and are overcome by the vastness and their smallness? Well that just tends to terrify me, because I am already overcome by the amount of people in this world, and all their little emotions and feelings and experiences and the help they are going to need to get through, because I AM MAMA!
And that brings stress like nobody's business, and I can tell, because my muscles are aching and my jaw hurts from overnight clenching and no one can really stop me, even after (apparently) I've had my self-medicated dose to put this engine to rest.
And if my dreams aren't a sign of what I'm dealing with over here, then I don't know a sign, because it keeps being the end of the world, and the world is assigning fighters, and (of course) I get called to duty but I have to bring an infant along. So, basically, I think I will design a video game called, "The Call of EXTRA duty." Because, y'all don't even know...
My night-time world is filled with destruction and chaos...and also, malls/hotels and elevators and continually getting lost. Oh...and also...me spending an inordinate amount of time making a special sorbet for a special event, which my eldest immediately devours before I can share.
So...yeah...I can't even catch a break when I sleep.
No wonder I feel so exhausted. The weight of the world on my shoulders and (did I mention I am the youngest child...so...we are NOT supposed to be the responsible ones...just sayin') I am spinning in circles and looking around, wondering, Where have all the adults gone?!! I miss my Grandma Carlene, you guys. SHE was the dependable one. She could peel an entire Granny Smith in one piece!! She could do everything. She WAS everything. And I am just trying to sit at her footrest and play "Casino" while I stir and eat my ice cream and chocolate syrup, so... please, dear God, don't count on me.
Just between you and me...sometimes I wish I weren't so competent. Other times I wish I didn't care so much. But, this is the way the cookie crumbled, and I guess I'd better own it.
Ah well...I made a pie (in her honor) for my work meeting tomorrow, and there has to be something in that...connecting me to the past, the present and (please, God) the (eternal) future.
So, since I obviously can't leave you hanging in this heavy, emotional depth... I had the most precious moment this week...
Matt was (finally!!) home. I had the chance to sit, alone, in my room. And I noticed. I heard someone blasting on the recorder. I heard the kids, loud and rambunctious, playing games. I knew it was all being manned by someone other than me. And this...this was my opportunity for break.
The weight lifted. I got to experience the fullness of the house without the burden. The sounds did not annoy, they warmed my heart. I heard the fullness of home and family without the heaviness of being mom, and I was grateful again.
Amen! Love, Always