But I'm not just sad. I'm scared. I'm terrified about how I am going to cope when I leave this role behind. I have loved this role. I have hated it at times, but I have loved it. How much more needed could I have felt this year? And feeling necessary, needed...wanted...loved...that's ALWAYS been my biggest heart issue. I have surely felt needed this year, all around the block. Will I feel so necessary when I lay down a role? Oh...I'll BE necessary, certainly, especially to a certain 5 people...but will that be enough to fulfill my selfish desire? It's never enough. It's a funny thing, desire. If I had it fulfilled, then where would I be? What now? Desire is never satiated. When it is fulfilled, it sours in your mouth, and you are on to the next thing. If you HAD what you wanted, you wouldn't want it anymore...and THAT, my friends is LIFE. I will never ever, ever feel like enough...because there is ALWAYS something more...and THAT is why I don't count on me. Dissatisfaction is my default. I will never be content if I rely on my own instincts and emotions. I have to look to something bigger than me.
I tried this week. I was emotional. It was my last full day at my internship...my last "official" appointment with a VERY important client...and my heart just ached. I carried SO MUCH baggage into that classroom...and a kid was escalated and shouting! BUT...come to find out...kid was really heartbroken over a very recent breakup...and my heart broke harder, and I just wanted to cry, too. (He's a bad boy...for breaking her heart...🎶) But I held in my own heartache, and I changed the content to adapt to kid's needs (we studied practice tests for the driver's permit, so everyone could quietly study, independently), and I gently guided kid through the hour. And we made it. And kid was grateful. And it's probably a really good thing it was me there that day, but I carried the additional pain with me as I walked out of the classroom. (#transference) And I knew I needed SOMETHING to get me through! So, I cried out in prayer. And the song "Red, Red, Wine" came on the radio...so, I'm pretty sure that was legit prophecy right there. 😉😂 (May need to reconsider my station choices?!!)
Always your homie! Kristen