I am sitting by the window in our new chair (another blessed hand-me-down!), and it is obnoxiously big for the space in our bedroom. It takes up way too much space, and it is REALLY awkwardly placed. But it is ohhhh so comfy. AND...I finally have my window seat for reading, relaxing, recovering. I have ALWAYS wanted a window seat!
I used to go to work with people. Now that I think about it, I was always going to work with people. I think my parents just didn't know what to do with me a lot of the time. (If I wasn't going to work with someone, then I was tagging along with my middle sister...and that was a REAL annoyance to her.) I was 7 years younger than my older sister, and I remember going to work with her one day. She worked in the deli at a grocery store, and since there was no one to watch me, I tagged along with my book and sat in the booths reading all day. (I cannot, by the way, fathom the whining which would ensue from such a suggestion to my current brood. Maybe Eden at a younger age...or Evan. Evan will tag along anywhere and be happy. Maybe it's a youngest sibling thing?)
One of my favorite tag-alongs...well...I can't really say that...I pretty much loved all tag-alongs. How can you beat riding around with my Dad in Old Blue (the rusty truck), helping him spray for bugs, writing receipts for him, stopping for a Snickers and a Pepsi on a hot summer day. (They were glass bottles then!) I spent a lot of time in Old Blue with a good book (bit of a theme there 😉), a nice breeze through the window, and sunshine on my face.
That one is hard to beat. But, then, there was the Alumni Center tag-along. My mom worked, for a time, at a local college in the Alumni Center, which was a sweet old house near campus with two bedrooms upstairs (for alumni to rent and other purposes, I assume?). Well, my mom would let me play on the computer in the offices downstairs. That is when computers were a REALLY new concept, and that was one of many arenas of life my mom let me do pretty much whatever I wanted to do. So, I explored and learned a new (tech) language, and this technology thing intrigued me. I would write and make pictures and explore codes...and I never heard any complaints about me messing things up, so...great!
And when I got bored with the offices, my mom would let me go hang out in the rooms upstairs. (There was a little closet with Andes mints, and I would always snag a few.) My favorite room was the blue room, because there was this sweet little window with a cushioned seat. And I LOVED to sit in that window and read until I wore myself out and fell asleep.
I wish I could make you understand, with words, the enormity of responsibility I am currently carrying. I mean, I can tell you my schedule, but the thing is...I don't think you can really grasp a person's life unless you live it, and I am the only one who can live mine. I can't possible understand all the burdens you carry. You can't possibly understand mine. Words are too limiting. I have so many, but they never seem, really, to be enough. I will try to relay for you the intensity of my week in a nutshell.
On Monday, I was a paranoid, potential assassin (over exaggeration mine) until my boss so gently and kindly corrected my course. (He is truly a gift from God, and one of few people to which I would submit authority.) Turns out the back-stabbing snitch was HR. Big surprise there. That crooked wretch (sarcasm mine)...just...doing her JOB! But by this point, it was too late for me. I'd already blasted my rage, and my nerves were spent. And it was only MONDAY! I took a half day off to go home and sleep. (Because I OBVIOUSLY needed it!) And the supervisor wasn't expecting me at my internship, so I just didn't go.
Of course, we still had a baseball game...double header. I hid from the crowd, watched from the outfield alone, and didn't get home until 10pm. My boy was a star 💕 and a trooper. So glad that tough season is a wrap!
On Tuesday, I was SO stinking tired! But my nerves were less edgy...until I got to my school and found I had left my computer (a necessity!) at home. UGH! This is the traveling teacher life. Fortunately, I have really good schools. This one loaned me a laptop, and by noon, I had already seen 10 students back to back!
Between school and Synergy, I had about an hour and a half, so I annihilated my lunch and bolted out to mow the yard. (Everything around our home is so neglected right now, because as I am busting my stuff at work and internship, Matt is working 3 12's a week and spending the rest of his time installing AMAZING hardwood floors for me.)
And still I see that I do not quite capture the intensity in a way anyone could possibly understand and empathize with my complete and utter exhaustion, but suffice it to say I am eternally grateful for the weekend. I don't even mind that I spend half of it catching up on paperwork, because I am so relieved to finally get a chance to organize all of the information floating around in my head. And I really don't have the stamina to do anything but sit and type or write, anyway, so I just take the time to calm down and recover. It is a "get caught up on paperwork day." It is a "release the secondary trauma" day. Ahhhhh...Saturday.
This one was particularly bright. Blue skies, trees so lovely with color, classical music soothing my nerves, cool breeze through my open window, and I sit reading Frankenstein. Finally, I can rest my body. Finally, I can rest my nerves. I have time on Saturday. Time. What a privilege. I am not rushing from one place to another from dawn until dusk. I am not greeting students back to back to back. I am not a performer. I am not a sponge for trauma. I am not putting out the constant burning of crisis. And I am also not listening to petty arguments between my children, who have no idea how privileged they are to be fighting over that Wii and PS4 and monitor and tv! Oh so privileged. I refuse to listen to those complaints. Be grateful!
And, thank God, they understand. My teen is content. And she senses my tension and reaches out to calm me with the most endearing hug...like that sweet, grateful student who hugged me this week. The gratitude and compassion and REST fuel me to and refill and recover...that I might be able, for yet another week, to pour out my service with peace and gratitude. This is my Sabbath, and without it, I could not function through this insanely intense, incredibly crazy, ridiculously heavy, burdensome year.